Il arrive quelque chose

Il arrive quelque chose. I am changed again; I think this was caused by closing my original blog (which is open again, too good to leave behind), by writing the cursedly depressing post here before this one, and speaking in the comments thread; I started writing a novel, and it has a website, too.

The voice in my original blog corresponds to the person writing the last post here, trying to come out from under a spell, trying to escape the effects of what the novel may call “language camp” (although there is already a conscientious objectors’ camp in that novel, and there may be other camps, indeed I do believe we will have prisons and gulags). I like the ghostly voice I developed, writing from my grave, but I am starting to feel that it holds me back.

In any case I shall still refurbish this blog and work more in it, and I shall be between these three blogs, or these two blogs and the novel, and I will get articles and books out of these two, especially this one, and I will publish the novel.

Or, the university will close and I will do land work and study law and still finish all of the above, as I have planned to do before, but did not have the strength to do because of the voices. If you set yourself aside as I did in camp, or if you record your research ideas onto cassette tapes and freeze them for later, as I did in dreams during that time, you may preserve yourself — if you dissociate, it is to preserve yourself — but you also leave open a broad field to be invaded by voices.

If, however, you place yourself once again at the center of life, and decide you will not be killed for working, which was what happened at camp (yes, I realize this is allegorical and incomprehensible), then the voices strangely cease.

Part of what transformed me was writing this list, “Things I Like, and Do Not Like in School.”

I like:
Reading poetry
Reading literary theory
Reading grammar
Teaching courses on politico-cultural phenomena and on theory
Teaching the introduction to literature and the historical surveys

I dislike:
Reading novels
Teaching foreign languages
Reading commentary on literature that is not heavily theory based

I like:
Funding, budgets, planning, program building

I dislike:
Leading extracurricular conversation hours in foreign languages

I like:
Research
Writing

I dislike:
Fast reading
Not writing

And, as has been pointed out, although I allege not to like to read novels, I am liberating myself by writing one. I think it is a good one, too.

This entry was posted in What Is A Scholar?, Working. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Il arrive quelque chose

  1. Hattie says:

    Very thought provoking. In fact, it caused me to write a comment that is off topic here, so I’m putting it on my blog instead.
    You would make a great administrator. I guess you do a lot of that right now, anyway.

  2. Z says:

    I see your point re German texts! So tell me, what got you thinking that I would be a great administrator? It is true, of course, although I am too unpopular with the administration here to be chosen as one, partly because I’d be good. But: how did you get this idea?

  3. Hattie says:

    I don’t know exactly, just a feeling I have that you want things to work and don’t have a swelled head.

  4. Z says:

    O good! This is how I feel, although it is not how I am perceived by all. (But this may be due to envy of something or other on the part of some, or projection….)

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