Il arrive quelque chose. I am changed again; I think this was caused by closing my original blog (which is open again, too good to leave behind), by writing the cursedly depressing post here before this one, and speaking in the comments thread; I started writing a novel, and it has a website, too.
The voice in my original blog corresponds to the person writing the last post here, trying to come out from under a spell, trying to escape the effects of what the novel may call “language camp” (although there is already a conscientious objectors’ camp in that novel, and there may be other camps, indeed I do believe we will have prisons and gulags). I like the ghostly voice I developed, writing from my grave, but I am starting to feel that it holds me back.
In any case I shall still refurbish this blog and work more in it, and I shall be between these three blogs, or these two blogs and the novel, and I will get articles and books out of these two, especially this one, and I will publish the novel.
Or, the university will close and I will do land work and study law and still finish all of the above, as I have planned to do before, but did not have the strength to do because of the voices. If you set yourself aside as I did in camp, or if you record your research ideas onto cassette tapes and freeze them for later, as I did in dreams during that time, you may preserve yourself — if you dissociate, it is to preserve yourself — but you also leave open a broad field to be invaded by voices.
If, however, you place yourself once again at the center of life, and decide you will not be killed for working, which was what happened at camp (yes, I realize this is allegorical and incomprehensible), then the voices strangely cease.
Part of what transformed me was writing this list, “Things I Like, and Do Not Like in School.”
Reading literary theory
Teaching courses on politico-cultural phenomena and on theory
Teaching the introduction to literature and the historical surveys
Teaching foreign languages
Reading commentary on literature that is not heavily theory based
Funding, budgets, planning, program building
Leading extracurricular conversation hours in foreign languages
And, as has been pointed out, although I allege not to like to read novels, I am liberating myself by writing one. I think it is a good one, too.