1. I have sent a creative piece to a highly competitive venue where it will, most likely, not get in. I am going to do it anyway. For reasons having to do with genre, style, and length, this venue is the most appropriate one I know of. I was not sure the manuscript is finished, but I am tired and I wanted it off my back for a while. Knowing that the piece will probably be rejected will keep me working on it in the background; this is a good thing since it is part of a larger project I intend to keep working on.
2. On the question of competition and suffering, I think the reason academics engage in competitive suffering is the idea that suffering is proof of effort, and effort is an indication of quality. There is something wrong with the presuppositions that inform these ideas. It is entirely possible that effort, suffering, and quality are unrelated, and that effort and pleasure, quality and joy are close cousins.
3. I think a reason I am confused generally is that I have listened to long to explanations of academia designed for neophytes and the unaware. I have taken the repeated lectures to mean it is clear I have not internalized these principles well enough, when in fact I have already internalized them too well. I have been given so many caution signals, so many warnings, that I have given up too much ground.
4. Remember, you must live in places you would not choose, remember, if your views are controversial it will be hard to publish, remember, limit teaching and service, remember, limit yourself, remember remember, limit limit. These are the things I was told again and again.
5. I also lost my voice. But instead of recognize this I decided I had suddenly, rather late in life, fallen into poor time management. My attempts to produce via time management, without addressing the question of voice, were as destructive as the event that silenced me in the first place, perhaps.