Research First, Part I

I do not get more done because of my primordial fear, which is that if I am seen to be doing my job right and taking the best care of my health and enjoying life, I will be met with lethal force.

The results of doing my job well and taking the best care of my health are appreciated, and stories about my interesting life are enjoyed, but these activities must not take much of my time or energy. They must be scheduled in off hours, when others do not desire my attention. If I am seen engaging in my own activities, I will be arrested and tortured, and my work in progress will be destroyed.

Since in this regime I fear the wages of sin are death, it has seemed wise to lie low and wait for the weather to change. Happiness, however, comes from putting research and of course health and happiness first. Everything else falls into place after that, and you see things in their true perspective.

Controlling your own time and your own money are the two major sins. Knowing how to manage your work is a close third. Psychoanalytic level of this: you must be dependent, but not have needs. I was mildly anorexic when young and it was about denying a basic need. I got over that expression of the impulse but I still have the same impulse to deprivation.

The truth, however, is that controlling your own time and your own money are two major, highly beneficial pleasures with now down side. Knowing how to manage your work is a close third.

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