So as we know, I am psychoanalyzing myself and that is the root reason for having the main blog. I do not dare post this there and I am hoping this secondary blog, less well known, is a place to hide it from people who would be upset to know my experience.
This week, in addition to some sentences from authorities in general that in their various forms are at bottom about performing the correct gender role and which I did post on the main blog, we have the following sentences and phenomena. I internalized them early on and psychotherapy really cemented them into me, claiming that the idea of freeing myself from these ideas was “denial.”
— You are not competent to stand alone and you never will be. You may not be able to see that, but it is a characteristic of our family and it shows in you. This being the case you must follow our instructions precisely, as you will be utterly lost if you do not. We are giving you this information in your best interest.
— You owe us. We cannot afford you and the sacrifices we have made for you are very great. You are stealing from us now, and you are surely plotting to steal more. We know this because we plotted to steal and defraud at your age. However, we insist you accept this very expensive thing we have decided you must have, and which we have gone into debt to get for you.
— We do reiterate what we say above: you are not competent to do anything on your own, and you must perform well for us so we will agree to continue having you as our ward. If not, you will be begging on the street like that urchin there, because your best performance will still not support you — it will only be good enough so that we will support you. Therefore you must be completely attentive to us at all times, and put us first forever.
— Undermining of sense of self, sense of reality, confidence, and more.
— In other words sabotage: since your aunt is paying the fees (i.e. you are not paying them), your college education is not valid; everything you believe yourself to have accomplished was not real, it was just play-acting to entertain you and be nice to you … and so on.
— Training to put a certain person and their priorities and distorted sense of reality first. One can only be sane when on vacation but real life means submission to this person’s insane authority.
— More broadly, the training to serve. The idea that in any relationship, one is to take a servant’s role. One exists to be used or exploited, essentially, and one has no other value or purpose.
Those are the issues. That being the case, I do amazingly well.