Psychoanalytic issues du jour

So as we know, I am psychoanalyzing myself and that is the root reason for having the main blog. I do not dare post this there and I am hoping this secondary blog, less well known, is a place to hide it from people who would be upset to know my experience.

This week, in addition to some sentences from authorities in general that in their various forms are at bottom about performing the correct gender role and which I did post on the main blog, we have the following sentences and phenomena. I internalized them early on and psychotherapy really cemented them into me, claiming that the idea of freeing myself from these ideas was “denial.”

SENTENCES

— You are not competent to stand alone and you never will be. You may not be able to see that, but it is a characteristic of our family and it shows in you. This being the case you must follow our instructions precisely, as you will be utterly lost if you do not. We are giving you this information in your best interest.

— You owe us. We cannot afford you and the sacrifices we have made for you are very great. You are stealing from us now, and you are surely plotting to steal more. We know this because we plotted to steal and defraud at your age. However, we insist you accept this very expensive thing we have decided you must have, and which we have gone into debt to get for you.

— We do reiterate what we say above: you are not competent to do anything on your own, and you must perform well for us so we will agree to continue having you as our ward. If not, you will be begging on the street like that urchin there, because your best performance will still not support you — it will only be good enough so that we will support you. Therefore you must be completely attentive to us at all times, and put us first forever.

STRATEGIES

— Undermining of sense of self, sense of reality, confidence, and more.

— In other words sabotage: since your aunt is paying the fees (i.e. you are not paying them), your college education is not valid; everything you believe yourself to have accomplished was not real, it was just play-acting to entertain you and be nice to you … and so on.

— Training to put a certain person and their priorities and distorted sense of reality first. One can only be sane when on vacation but real life means submission to this person’s insane authority.

— More broadly, the training to serve. The idea that in any relationship, one is to take a servant’s role. One exists to be used or exploited, essentially, and one has no other value or purpose.

Those are the issues. That being the case, I do amazingly well.

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8 Responses to Psychoanalytic issues du jour

  1. Z says:

    Remember how shocked E. looked when I said I had taken this job because my mother cried so hard and I felt so guilty for making her cry.

    It was the same as when I stayed with my ex for two extra years because he cried so hard when I said I wanted to leave. People are less shocked at that but I think it is the same phenomenon.

    I did not want to come here because I knew it would mean being stuck in the heat in almost a community college situation and that I would not be able to leave, in the shorter or the longer term. I wanted to stay in California and do just about anything.

    If I do not get to go to Brazil I cannot afford to go anywhere this summer and I am afraid of the psychological consequences of this. I will have to be a really serious researcher and workout person, and be prepared for the heat, and watch many movies. It will be an opportunity to really learn the kayak at last.

    I will have to block out and try to create a virtual Mexico and Brazil for myself. I must, I must.

    • Z says:

      Again: if I do not get to go anywhere I will still expand my strongest self into the air, I will try to permit myself to be the person I allow myself to be when I am absent, in a foreign country where I can be who I want to be, when I cannot be seen from here. I will allow myself to be that person for real.

  2. Z says:

    Things I must do related to this are:

    — Decide how I want to feel about money. How bad is it only to have what I have … how, rationally speaking, do I want to feel about this debt load (I seem not to really care, given the circumstances, but to think I ought to; it is not having decided which is so stressful).

    — Decide how I want to feel about being a failure or being in danger of failing / being “out on the street.” If I am in TRULY in danger of this, then yes, priority has got to be figuring out what would happen with said debt load. I do not know, though.

  3. Z says:

    On the question of my parents, dealing with fear of abuse from them about having spoken to their MD and their lawyer in the wake of recent events:

    1. If they get on my case about prying into their business, remember: a. it is my business, since I am the person they have designated to deal. b. it was rationally self-protective to ask these people because the same question to my parents most likely does not get a straight answer but does elicit a long discussion of suicide hopes, desires for death, and unhealthy/inappropriate focus on money and property. c. Do not respond because it is a manipulation. d. Do not respond because this does not come from their best self. e. If some words are necessary, say a very mild version of a and b in a very mild way, and change the subject.

    2. If I am this worried about the accusation and my reacting to it … that is a good reason not to stay in their house … I will have to lie and say I got a free place in Berkeley, or something like that. Or just be super-prepared, with my mantra, my mantra, my mantra … another good sentence is, I am just trying to make sure you are OK, not getting it right all the time … take it somehow without taking it in, realize I don’t have to agree or talk them out of it either.

  4. Z says:

    I also see that I have to remember I can be a grown-up, not their punching bag. I see I do not know this.

  5. Z says:

    Here is the key thing: how hard it is for me to be in a caretaking role. I am good at being an ally but not a caretaker. The main issue in my life is about having been bullied into becoming a caretaker, it seems, and the way in which being in any kind of relationship, any interaction, was supposed to mean I was the caretaker, the server, the person to be projected into, the one with the resources tangible and untangible that I owed my masters and wards … (the resigned and sacrificing daughter-mother, I do suppose).

  6. Z says:

    And: enmeshed in a family system, fearing extreme violence, needing to step out of it: this is where I was when I got lost, and I am back to this point.

    The fear of being bowled over / pushed under the waves. That was the thing that actually happened when I entered that weird psychotherapy which nearly finished me off. That is exactly what I can in fact resist.

    From the Facebook people: you have to take care of yourself and also “Aziz: You effectively are the adult now and must make the hard decisions. All roles are reversed at this point. You will do the best you can. Ditch the guilt. It’s manipulative & won’t help solve anything.”

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